The Great Void

This is an essay I wrote for a class. In it I tell the story of my experience with cancer. It also has some metaphors that are parallel to my experience. This is a very brief narrative to what all happened and is a discourse community essay. It breaks the conventions of academic writing, so place do not comment on the writing style.

The Great Void

Limbo. It is“…an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition (oxford).” It is a place of neglect and forgetfulness. It is the void in the world where time freezes and nothing transpires. It is neither paradise nor torture. It is nothing.

On a warm summer night as I lay in bed without I thought of the events to come. I was worrying about upcoming finals and test for school, besides that I was at peace. There was a great deal of things going on in the world as I slept. Oil spills, health care debates and earthquake recoveries. I had been feeling sick for the past few weeks. I was told by the doctors that I had a summer cold mixed with allergies. All I had to do was take a “Z-pack” and I would be fine.

Earthquakes are unpredictable. They happen, usually, without warning or cause. They are violent by nature and cause great damage to the area impacted by it. They are seen as an unstoppable beast. It takes great effort and team work to overcome the devastation that ensues.

I was awoken violently! I began gasping for a breath of air with no luck. After a few seconds I started to panic. I struggled to breath. With each second passing by the struggle became a fight to live. At that moment my life was shaken. I felt as if by battle had come to an end. Could this be it? I wondered this in my head over and over again. Finally a breath of air made it to my lungs. I was overcome with joy!

Just as the world can rejoice in its victory over a disaster another one occurs just as fast. This joy in soon overturned with panic. As I commenced to breathe again I start to cough uncontrollably. I covered with my hands, only to look down and see that my hand is covered in a dark blood. I begin to spew blood from my mouth. I quickly rush to the bathroom to throw up. In my struggle I awake everyone in my house. At the time the only people who lived in my house were my mother and girlfriend. They both rush to the bathroom only to discover me gasping for air and spewing blood out of my mouth every time I exhale.

In times of great disasters we as humans like to panic. We don’t have a clue what just hit us. All we know it the world we have come to know and love is being torn down and we are about to lose what we have grown to love. In this panic, we usually make hasty decisions without thinking of what is going on. Until we snap out of that panic we can’t take on the issue at hand.That night was no exception.

In terror I shout, with what breath I have, for them to take me to the hospital. In the midst of the violent attack my body is taking, Julia, my mother, and Suzanne, my girlfriend, are fighting over what to do. They are debating of the economic costs of an ambulance over just driving me themselves. All at the same time I am losing a great deal of blood and fighting to survive. In my head I am thinking really? You are worrying about the cost? I am going to be dead soon if you don’t act! Finally my body had calmed down, for the time being, enough to let me stand and get to a hospital.

Upon arrival to the hospital my breathing had calmed down, for now, I was scared to think what was wrong with me. It was hard for me to think about anything with the pain that the attack brought. It was about four in the morning and the lobby in the emergency room was as empty as a ghost town. The nurse at the sign in table was a young man, no older than thirty; he had kind of an attitude. Once I was signed in and they had all my information a nurse with a wheel chair came to take me to my room. It was the graveyard shift, a phrase most hospital patients don’t want to think about. We arrived to the emergency room bed. I was put in the bed and instantly three nurses began to take blood works and run various “tests” on me. I found it odd that they were all very young. As the nurses were working the doctor walked in. It was almost comical because he was the stereotypical doctor you would see in a medical drama. Fresh out of medical school, rugged, handsome and all the nurses were practically swooning over him. He began to approach me and examine my throat. As he moved in closer, the nurses, who were all young as well, huddled around him. He said they would know more after some X-rays and an MRI.

As I set in the hospital room with my mother and girlfriend waiting for my scans I was feeling better about my situation, but I was still scared, very, very scared. I was also in massive amounts of pain. It’s the little lies you tell yourself to comfort yourself in dark times. I’m going to be ok! Everything is fine. You will be home in a few hours. You will be back at school by the end of the weekend! I kept repeating this in my head over and over again. I knew something was wrong and I was probably not going to be going back home for a very long time. While we were waiting to go back for my scans I could tell that Suzanne, my girl friend, was scared. She was trying her hardest not to show it. I am a very comical person at times. Luckily I had not lost my sense of humor. I was making jokes with the nurses and Sue to help lighten the mood. After about a half an hour of waiting the X-ray technician entered my room with a wheelchair.

Limbo is the state of nature away from the supernatural presence of God was identified with the outer rim of Hell. The Latin word for this out edge or rim being "Limbus"(Marshall).

The radiology room was down the hall from the emergency room. It wasn’t far from the room I was in. But for some reason it felt like the trip to the room was endless. I felt like I was in a void caught in an endless loop of waiting. Unknown to me at the time, this void and I were to become great acquaintances. We finally reached the radiology room. I was excited to get an x-ray. I was eager to know what was wrong with me and I felt like this scan would reveal all to me like it was my enlightenment. Before I knew it the scan was over and I was headed back to the emergency room bed. I was fervent to know the results. I couldn’t stand the tension that was being built. I had to know the results! After about another half hour the doctor came into my room. He said that they were going check me into the hospital and move me to a room in the ICU. He wanted to do this so if I were to have another attack there would be help right away.

My hopes were being crushed that I would be getting home anytime soon. Knowing this, I was a bit panicked about my school work. So I made a list of things I needed to do my homework in the hospital. I made the list and without hesitation my mother and Suzanne went home to get them. I was very overwhelmed with the feeling that I had finals coming up and being in the hospital. I was very determined to get my homework done. It was probably so I could keep my mind off of the problem at hand. Right after they left to get the supplies I requested, a nurse walked in with a wheelchair and said that my room was ready.

When I got into my hospital room I was very shocked. It looked like a 4 star hotel room and not a room in the ICU. This hospital was very new and had only been in operation for a few months. Everything in the room was brand new. The floor had a nice stone tile. The walls had a nice dark red and blue contrast. The TV in the room was a big flat screen HDTV. There was a big couch for guest to sit on. The hospital bed was nice and big. They did a good job at keeping all of the medical equipment hidden. It was the perfect room to be sick in. I was almost happy to have come here, for now.

“Limbo's gonna become your reality. You're gonna be lost down there so long that you're gonna become an old man (inception).”- Cobb

In this nothingness that is known as the outer rim. We see a man. He has no features. He has no face. He is the faceless man. Doomed to spend an eternity for the shortcomings of the life he once knew. The world around him has stopped and to his understanding there is nothing.

It has been said not to judge a book by its cover. Most of us have probably heard this once or twice, if not every day, in our lives. This is a phrase that did not come to mind in this moment. As I changed into my hospital gown in the bath room, I was starting to look up on the situation. I mean sure, I felt like I was going to die, but I was calm for the time being and felt safe. Once I was dressed the nurse guided me to my bed where I was to stay until a specialist could come later that day to look at my throat. Till then I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink so they hooked me up to an IV and gave me some pain killers to help take the edge off of the pain.

About that time, Suzanne and my mother returned with my supplies. They looked around and were also amazed at how nice the hospital room was. It had been a long night and morning was approaching. I tried to sleep but couldn’t, so Suzanne set up my laptop on a meal try and we watched movies on it. She sat on a chair by me and held my hand while I tried to sleep. The specialist was supposed to come that day, but only a few doctors stopped by to do checkups on me. I was starting to get scared that I would have another attack and I wouldn’t make it this time. A few friends who heard I was in the hospital stopped by for a moment. It helped a lot. With all of the pain killers I was given, I passed out and the day went by quickly. The specialist never showed up. I was starting to think I would be waiting my whole life. The night went by fast. My mother and Suzanne were by my side the whole time. Their love and support were what was helping me the most.

Limbo. The place of waiting. The void. Nothingness. Pure nothingness. Limbo comes from the Latin word limbus meaning literally "hem" or "border"(New Advent). Limbo is the border of existence.

When I woke up I was desperate for the specialist to arrive. Suzanne had to go to work and my mother went to get some fresh air. A few hours later the specialist arrived. He walked in my room and shook my hand. He said he wanted to take a look at the scans that were taken when I arrived. He looked at them for a brief moment and stormed out the room. From outside the room I heard shouting and arguing. My mother went outside the room to see what was going on. The moment was intense; it was like a medical drama where all the doctors are fighting over the best diagnosis to save the patient. Only I was the patient.

A moment later my mom walked in and told me whatever the specialist says, do it. A moment later the specialist walked in and apologized for the shouting outside. He said that when the doctor called him originally it was for a consult and not to see a patient. He said if he knew that he would have come right away. He told me that it was a miracle I was still alive because the scans showed that my throat was completely closed up and there was hardly any room for air to get through. At that moment I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. The specialist said that he would like to move me to his hospital downtown because of this hospital being new they did not have the proper staff to take care of an issue like this. I agreed and he ordered for an ambulance to transfer me immediately.

A short time later two EMTs entered my room and put me on a stretcher and carted me to the ambulance. I was very scared, a few moments ago I thought I was going to be fine and the next a specialist tells me I should be dead. After hooking me up to countless machines to monitor my body, the ambulance took off. It was the longest ride of my life. The hospital we were going to was about a twenty minute drive, but it felt like hours. During the ride I thought of many things: life, school, Suzanne, what was going to happen. I thought of the hospital I was just in and how it was so nice, but couldn’t help me. It rendered the hospital useless to me. I was starting to become angry towards it. But at the same time I missed it because I knew the hospital I was going to wouldn’t be as nice.

“Limbo is a dream construct where a person connected to a dream machine would be trapped in if he or she dies in a one-layer deep dream while still very heavily sedated in reality (Filmnoloy).”

We finally arrive at the hospital and they carted me up to my room. This hospital was very gloomy in comparison. The place has a scent that was unwelcoming, it smelled old. The walls were plain. The floor looked dirty. The décor looked as if it were from the 70s. Everything about this place made me upset. But there was one thing that this one had that the one I left was missing. Doctors that knew what they were doing with me. For that I was thankful, but at the same time I still missed the other hospital.

Because the problem being in my throat and I was having trouble breathing they put me in the Burn ICU. It’s the wing reserved for people who have sustained burns. The specialist told me I was to be put here because the nurses in this wing were best trained to help with breathing issues because most burn victims will have trouble breathing.

When we got to my room the nurses hooked me up to countless machinery and took blood samples. Suzanne and my mother came in the room a short time after. I was told because it was a Burn ICU that I wasn’t allowed to have visitors after 6 PM so they could only stay for a short time. They both gave me a hug and had to leave. I could tell they were both holding back tears. After they left I became upset and lonely. I started wanting the old hospital back. I wanted to be in my home in my bed. I thought it would never happen and I was stuck here.

Soon after that a doctor walked in and ran some test. He put a large scope up my nose and down my throat. He said that because of the swelling they were not sure if I would survive another attack. So they ordered a Tracheotomy to be performed on me in the morning. He told me that is where they make an incision in my neck and cut into my trachea and insert a tube into it so I can breathe. It sounded scary. I was not looking forward to it. After the doctor left a nurse came in and gave me some medicine for the pain and with that, I was out for the night.

I woke up to the specialist examining me. He said that in a moment a nurse would be here to take me to the operating room and prepare me for the procedure. He gave me a pat on the shoulder and walked out. Suzanne and my mother were standing in the hall. Once the doctor walked out they entered the room. I have no memory of what they said; all I remember was getting a lot of hugs and kisses from the both of them. Shortly after a nurse came to take me down stairs for the procedure, Suzanne and my mother followed close behind. I was put in a room were a doctor examined me and gave me the numbing agent and prepared the anesthetics. My throat started to feel numb; it began to get very hard to breath. With the numbness I was able to feel how much breathing room I actually had. I started to panic. In my panic Suzanne and my mother tried to calm me down. It was working but I was still nervous.

The nurses carted me to the operating room. I was starting to feel loopy because of the drugs. They got me on the operating table and the specialist surrounded by countless number of doctors started to get things ready. The specialist told me what they would be doing. He said that they were going to perform the tracheotomy and do a biopsy on the tissue that is swollen so they could figure out what was wrong. He assured me that everything was going to be ok. After that the strapped me in. The specialist and his team huddled around me. He told me to hold still. And in a flash he cut open my throat. I could feel blood flowing down my side. I was scared. I was thinking to myself I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE ASLEEP FOR THIS!?!?!. The specialist said I was doing great and he had never seen anyone as calm as I was. I was more or less in shock than calm. He told me to start to count backwards from ten. Being scared to talk because there was an open wound in my throat I hesitated for a moment...Ten…Nine…Eight...Before I could say seven I was gone.

Void. The void is an emptiness caused by the loss of something. A completely empty space. It is not valid. It is a discharge.

A faceless man awakes. He has no understanding of where he is. He looks around and finds nothing. He begins to collect his thoughts but nothing comes to mind. The man starts to examine his surroundings more and more. Nothing. Nothing at all. It is almost as if the room or place he is in does not exist. Is this real he begins to wonder. Am I real? He tries to look at himself to see if he even exists. But upon looking down he sees nothing. He cannot see himself. In a shock he lets out a loud scream. His scream was not heard, he could not even hear it. Again he starts to look around. There must be an exit. There must be a way out! But still, he sees nothing.

This nothing is not a just white or black, just nothing. It is impossible for him to comprehend. Maybe he sees nothing at all because he does not have eyes to see with? He begins to think that maybe he is nothing and the world he once knew is still there. But after thinking more and more, what was the world was he once knew? Was it a world? Was it a place? What was it? In a panic he begins to run. But without an understanding of time or his surroundings he does not know if he is even running at all. He tries to focus on his legs moving. This faceless man is using all of his energy and power to run. But still he doesn’t even know if he is running.

"Meaningless! Meaningless! …Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless (Ecclesiastes 1:2)."

I awoke form the surgery after the longest sleep in my life. I was in the recovery room. It had only been a few hours after the surgery. I looked around and then I started to panic. I couldn’t breathe. I soon found out it wasn’t the case that I couldn’t breathe, it was that I didn’t know how to breathe. A nurse came into my room because I set off many alarms because my heart rate jumped in the panic. I soon figured out how to breathe and started to calm down. After a few hours of being monitored like I was underneath a microscope, I was sent back to my hospital room in the Burn ICU. When I arrived I was greeted by Suzanne and my mother. Both of them had happy yet sad looks on their faces. I knew they were trying to be strong for me. That meant a lot to me. The specialist came in the room and said that everything went smooth and he had the biopsy sent off to be examined. Because they had no clue to what was wrong, he told me it could be a few days till they know what is wrong. About that time visiting hours were over and Suzanne and my mother had to leave.

Because of the operation I could not speak, even if I tried. I could not move or do anything. I was in a complete vegetative state. I needed a nurse to do anything, even the simplest task. For the next week I just sat in my hospital bed. I was in massive amounts of pain, a pain I cannot even begin to describe. Along with the pain came a deep depression. The only thing that kept me going was a small flicker of hope in the distance. The hope that one day I would be out of this and everything would be ok. Every day I waited to hear the results of the biopsy and every day no word.

The only thing I had to look forward to was seeing Suzanne. Every day after school or work, she would come and visit me. She would always arrive at the same time, so I began to tell what time of the day it was by when she arrived. Because I could not move or talk she would just pull up a chair and hold my hand. It was hard to do this because of all the wires and IVs that were in me. But she managed to always find a way to hold my hand. She would sometimes tell me stories or tell me about her day. But most of the time she would just sit in silence and hold my hand. It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done and will ever do for me. When the visiting hours were up, the time of the day we both dreaded, she would give me a kiss on my head and tell me she loves me. As she walked out every day I could tell she was fighting back the tears. I meant a lot to me that everyone tried their best to stay strong in this dark time in my life.

A week had passed and no word on the biopsy. The specialist entered my room and removed part of the breathing device so I would be able to speak. He said that, that part of the device served its purpose and my throat had healed to where it was no longer needed. Of course I still have to breathe through my neck. I was able to speak though! It meant so much to me. I was so excited, but at the same time nothing had changed. I was still in the hospital and they still had no idea what is wrong with me. Suzanne, my mother and one of my close friends were coming to visit later that day. So the one of the nurses bathed me and got a fresh set of clothes for me so I could look my best when they arrived. I probably still looked like a wreck, but I felt like a million bucks. Right before they arrived, the doctor told me that I was going to be sent home today because I had recovered enough to where I could go home until the biopsy results came in. I was happy to go home but at the same time I was very scared. I felt safe at the hospital; I hadn’t been home since I had the incident that wound me up in the hospital.

Shortly after the specialist left, my friends and family arrived and we talked and had a nice time. The nurse came in the room with a wheel chair and carted me to the exit. The ride home was a rough one. Every bump caused more and more pain. I was miserable; I missed the hospital more and more. Once we got home Suzanne led me to my room. She had cleaned my room for me and it looked so nice and peaceful. We put on a movie and Suzanne and my friend sat down together on my futon and watched it together. I was in so much pain; I couldn’t find a position that was comfortable. The first night was a disaster. I was very upset and nothing was going right. We really didn’t know what to do.

In the morning Suzanne and my friend went out to find a recliner because I had to be upright and a chair was too uncomfortable. Later she returned with an old recliner she found online that an old man was selling. At first I was a bit grumpy about the quality of the recliner, but once I sat in it I was so comfortable that I passed out. For the next week I sat in that chair and tried to survive. I needed fluids to survive but it was so hard to drink because my throat was almost closed up. It was nice to be home because I could see my mother and Suzanne whenever I wanted too. One of them was always by my side. In the middle of the week my father, who live in Philadelphia, flew in to be with me. And my sister, who lives in Seattle, also flew in. It was the first time my whole family was under one roof in many years. I was happy to have them all together.

“Being on tour is like being in limbo. It's like going from nowhere to nowhere (Dylan).”

The week passed by very slowly. Every day I waited for the phone call from the specialist to say what was wrong. I wanted whatever was wrong with me to go away. I wanted my life back. Finally at the end of the week he called! I was excited. But once my mother got off the phone my excitement was turned to fear. She told me that the specialist said that the reason my throat was closed up was because of a cancerous tumor had formed in my neck. I was very scared at this moment. You always hear of people who get cancer and hear stories on TV of people who are diagnosed with it, but you never think it would happen to you. The feeling that I felt when hearing that I had cancer was one I never want to feel again.

They had scheduled the operation to remove the tumor for five days from then. So for the next five days I waited at home. I was scared. But at the same time, I knew that there was a chance to overcome this and get my life back. The day before the surgery I went to countless doctors’ where they ran all sorts of tests on me to make sure I would be ok for this surgery. The last stop I had was with the specialist who would be the main surgeon in the operation. He went over all the factors in of the surgery. He said they didn’t know what all the cancer has consumed and there would be a big chance that they would have to remove my voice box or cut my vocal cords to get to the tumor. Hearing that I was very scared, very, very scared. They said that my recovery time would be one to two months and I would have to spend that time in the hospital and a nursing facility. Hearing all of the news the day before my surgery was very scary and it made it hard to sleep that night.

I was in more and more pain every day. The morning of my surgery was no different. I had a feeling like if we waited another day it would be too late. My mom and my dad drove me to the hospital, where Suzanne and my pastor from my church would later join us. When we arrived my dad helped me get in my hospital gown and he put on my hair cap. And for the first time in years he started to cry and gave me a hug and told me he loved me. Before my surgery I got a hug and kiss from all my family members.

This was it. The big moment had arrived. A nurse came into my room and moved my bed into the operating room. The surgery was to be about eight hours long. It was going to be a very intense operation. I was in here a few weeks ago and it seemed more frightening than before. There was more than double the number of surgeons in the room this time. I could see countless numbers of equipment. The specialist walked up and looked me in the eye and told me everything was going to be ok. He had me count backwards from ten. Ten…nine...eight…

In the middle of the journey of our life, I found myself again in [or through] a dark wood, [so dark] that the straight way was utterly lost. Alas how hard it is to say what it was like, this savage and sharp and strong forest, which even in thought renews my fear! So bitter was it that death is little moreso; but in order to speak of the good that I found there, I'll tell of the other things I saw there. (Dante)

The faceless man continues to run. Without stopping to catch his breath he runs. He tries to breathe but in this void there is no air for him to breathe. Then he thinks do I even have a nose to breathe with? In the middle of his thought he runs into a wall. Where did this wall came from, he thinks to himself over and over again. The wall does not look like any wall he had seen before. It is like the rest of this empty world. It is nothing, it has no shape of color, but it has a force to it that won’t let the faceless man move past it. The man begins to think if he had even been moving at all. There was nothing he had to gauge how far he has traveled and nothing at all to tell him that he had been moving.

These thoughts worried that man. They made him think harder and harder. But the more he thought the less he knew. Nothing! NOTHING AT ALL! In this anger of knowing nothing and being nowhere he turned around and decided to run the other way. I will get out of here and return home! The faceless man repeated this phrase over and over in his head. As he ran through the nothingness he began to build hatred, a hatred for the nothing that consumed him.

As this revulsion for the nothing built the faceless man hit another wall. In anger he started charging the wall over and over again. Nothing. Nothing happened. He turned around in this nothingness and started to run the opposite away again, sooner than before he hit another wall. Again and again he did this, until the walls of his nothingness had fully consumed him. The faceless has run into a void more deep and hollow than the last one. He is nothing and has nothing. Time stands still for him but there is no need for time when you have nothing. He is now an empty vessel doomed to nothing. He is living and must wait for nothing in nothing.

In a flash I was awoken from my surgery in the same recovery room as my pervious surgery. I was scared to try and talk in fear of not being able to ever again. I looked down and saw a countless number of wires and tubes. The pain was the worst it has ever been. A doctor walked up to me and said that the surgery was a success and everything was going to be ok. It was like a screen swinging open to reveal a light of hope in my life at that moment. I was happy to hear this but I still didn’t know if could speak. After talking to me the doctor injected me with some pain killers and I fell asleep once again.

I was awoken in my hospital bed back in the Burn ICU. Around my bed were all of my family members: my mother, my father, my sister and Suzanne. They all gave me a hug and a kiss and said they would see me tomorrow. After they left the specialist came into my room and told me that everything went better than expected. The surgery was only half the time and they were able to remove the tumor without damaging any major organs or tissues. He said I would be able to speak in a few days. The joy of hearing this was overwhelming.

The next few days were just as miserable as the past month. But with every day I regained more and more strength. Once a day the nurse would get me out of my bed and I was able to walk up and down the hall. I could hardly stand but I fought through the pain. After a few days the specialist came to check up on me and said that I had recovered so quickly that I would be able to spend the rest of my recovery at home. Everything was looking up from then on. Instead of being in a hospital and nursing facility for two months I was being sent home after five days. Two weeks later, I was sitting in a lawn chair next to Suzanne and my mother watching fireworks and eating a slice of pizza. I was able to breathe on my own and was able to talk. The void of nothingness in my life had closed up and my life was mine again.

Works Cited

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Dante, Alighieri, and Stanley Lombardo. "Canto 1." Inferno. Indianapolis: Hackett Pub., 2009. Print.

Ecclesiastes. "Ecclesiastes 1:2." The Bible. Online Parallel Bible: Weaving God's Word into the Web. Bible. Web. 13 Aug. 2011.

Filmnology. "My Theory of Limbo." Filmnology. Filmnology. Web. 24 Aug. 2011.

Inception. Dir. Christopher Nolan. Perf. Leonardo DiCaprio, Et Al. Warner Bros. Pictures, 2010.Film.

New Advent. "CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA: Limbo." NEW ADVENT:Home. Catholic Encyclopedia. Web. 13 Aug. 2011.

Marshall, Taylor. "Unbaptized Babies That Die: Five Theories (Limbo Part III)” Taylor Marshall. Web. 24 Aug. 2011.

Oxford. “Void." Oxford Dictionaries. Oxford Dictionaries. Web. 13 Aug. 2011.

Oxford Dictionary. "Limbo." Oxford Dictionaries. Oxford Dictionary. Web. 11 Aug. 2011.